Best Friend's Brother #4 (Best Friend's Brother Romance Series - Book #4) Page 2

  I stood underneath the water and breathed in the steam, urging my mind to fade into that nothingness where everything real becomes a foggy illusion. I stood there and felt the warmth cascade down and over, and tried to imagine all of the stress washing down the drain. I stayed underneath the spray until the room was full of steam and the hot water was beginning to turn lukewarm before finally turning it off and stepping out. It hadn’t worked. The stress was still clinging to me. I picked up the towel and wiped the steam off of the mirror. I looked at my face and thought again about Emma. I wondered, not for the first time, how a person who was so dearly loved could disappear from the earth yet life could just go on. We still ate and showered and dressed and slept…and so many other things, while Emma didn’t do any of that any longer. I wondered sometimes if the tables had been turned and I’d been the one to die instead of Emma, if she would have done a better job of figuring this all out than I seem to be doing.

  After I was dressed and had my hair and makeup done, I felt a little better. I went out of my room and found dad sitting at the dining room table, having his coffee.

  “Morning princess. How did you sleep?”

  “Good,” I lied, giving him a kiss on the cheek. I think, to be honest, I slept about an hour in total.

  “What about you?” I poured myself some coffee and sat down with him.

  “Not bad,” he said. He was probably lying too. I don’t think he’s slept through the night in years. It’s where I get my tendency to obsess over things from. “What’s on your agenda today?”

  “I’m going to take my dad’s advice and disappear with myself for a few hours. I’m all ready for a day with no company, no deep-thoughts, just me and…hopefully my father’s Visa card?” That reminded me that maybe I needed to start thinking about looking for a job while I was here. I’d been so wrapped up in Emma and Ian…I had just selfishly allowed my dad to pay for everything. I guess at almost twenty years old, I should be past that. He didn’t care, but I should. As I knew he would, he smiled and took out his wallet. He handed me his AMEX card. I looked at it and said, “Are you sure? I could go hog wild with this one.”

  He laughed, “I trust you,” he said.

  “Thanks, Dad. One of these days, I’ll pay you back.”

  “I’m not worried about it,” he said. I believed him, but since I didn’t have a job yet and I’d taken an entire semester off school, I hoped he wasn’t holding his breath because it might not be anytime soon. I finished my coffee, waiting until nine before I left, knowing the mall wouldn’t be open until then. I wished Dad a good day and took off for my “day for me”.

  I didn’t want to run into anyone I knew today. I thought that might just defeat the purpose of this whole day with me exercise. Instead of going to our mall, I drove to the next town over. Their mall was a lot bigger anyways and I could get lost inside of it for hours if I wanted to. I took a deep breath as I got out of the car and willed my mind to clear itself of all the negative thoughts…all thoughts period. I walked in through the Macy’s entrance and looked around at all of the colorful displays. This just might work.

  I started browsing and something about the smell from the fragrance counter reminded me of Emma. Emma loved to shop. She loved the mall. She used to say that the smell of it “empowered” her. She loved the attention we would get in a store like this and she would touch every dress or blouse or pair of pants that she liked, just to feel the texture of it. She’d try on everything, whether or not she needed it, or could afford it. She would get a free makeover and we never got out without a manicure. Sometimes we’d spend the entire day and go home without a single purchase…but it was always fun. Everything with Emma was an adventure.

  “Miss, are you okay?”

  I looked up and realized I was standing near the exit door and people had to go around me. My face felt wet and I reached up and touched my cheeks. There were tears there and people were staring at me. I wiped them away quickly.

  “I’m fine, I said to the concerned-looking sales lady.

  “I’m sorry.”

  I forced a smile and moved on. So much for forgetting.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  IAN

  I woke up thinking about Alexa. That wasn’t a surprise, since I’d gone to sleep thinking about her as well. I knew before I even got out of bed that I had to talk to her today. The first thing I did was reach for my phone. Halfway through dialing her number, I realized that it would just be better to see her, face-to-face. I got showered and dressed and headed over to her house. It was just after nine, and it was Saturday, so her dad would probably be there. I kind of got the feeling he wasn’t crazy about the idea of her seeing me…but I’ve never been a favorite amongst the “Dads, so I could handle that. I’d come to terms with the fact that a former delinquent turned professional fighter was probably not who they’d dreamed their little princesses would end up with. I can’t say as I blamed them. I doubted I’d think I was good enough for my own daughter either, if I ever had one.

  When I drove up to the house, I didn’t see her car, but told myself that it was probably in the garage and I couldn’t back out now. I took a deep breath before parking along the street and getting out of the car. I wondered as I walked up to the door if she would be happy to see me…or pissed at me for not leaving her alone and waiting for her to call like she’d asked. I stood looking at the hanging plants in the entryway and knocked. After several seconds Alexa’s dad pulled open the door. He didn’t look at all happy to see me, and from the look on his face I got the feeling maybe Alexa had told him everything that has happened between us. He was giving me “the look” that fathers reserved only for men who hurt their daughters. My dad used to have one just like it that he used on Emma’s boyfriends.

  “Hi,” I said, trying to look and sound my friendliest, or at the very least praying that my voice wouldn’t crack. Never show fear. “I was wondering if Alexa was here.”

  “She’s not here,” he said. He was still giving me the glare. I tried to think of it the way I do in a fight. Don’t let it intimidate you. You should smile and just move on from there. If he throws a punch, you can take it. It’s not going to kill you.

  “Okay, I’ll just give her a call later then, thanks.” I started to step back and he opened the door all the way and said,

  “Come in.” It seemed more like a threat than an invitation, but what was I going to do…run? I went inside and almost gulped as he slammed the door behind me.

  “Sit,” he said.

  I went into the living room and did as I was told. I didn’t see any guns out that he may have been cleaning, so that was good. I smiled again, and tried to look happy about being here. I wanted Alexa…badly. I wasn’t going to screw it up further by getting on the wrong side of the only man in her life.

  Her dad sat across from me and worked the glare again for a few minutes before he finally said, “She doesn’t need your drama in her life right now, Ian. I feel so damned bad for you and your family. Emma was a great girl and I loved her too. I can’t imagine what you’re all going through. But…Alexa is my daughter and I love her more than life itself. She’s going through the same pain that you are and on top of that, you’re heaping more on her. She’s hurting, and you’re making it worse.”

  I felt like he’d just punched me in the gut. What was I supposed to say? I was here because I couldn’t stand the thought of being without her and her father was here, telling me I was hurting her and she didn’t need me. I need her.

  “I never had any intentions of hurting her. I care about Alexa and she and I have been helping each other through this thing with Emma…”

  “If you’re helping her then why is she so miserable?”

  “Like you said, this is not an easy thing to deal with for any of us…” he kept interrupting me. I was talking faster, trying to get my own point out before he did.

  “She’s grieving over Emma, but this is more. This is her starting to think that what she has with you
is more than you leaning on her and her leaning on you. This is setting her up to fall hard. You’re not helping her, Ian. She’s not happy. The best thing you can do for her if you truly care about her like you say…is walk away now.”

  “What if that’s not what she wants?”

  “She’s confused and hurting. She has no idea what she wants or needs right now. Leave her alone and she’ll be okay. She’s strong…but if you hang around and keep hurting her when she’s already broken…you could leave a permanent scar. I’m sick of seeing her come home from being with you looking like her heart has been broken…again. Just leave her alone, Ian. She’s a good girl. She deserves better.”

  I had no intentions of hurting Alexa. Even if things didn’t work out for us dating, I still cared about her. She was Emma’s best friend and that alone gave her a special rank. But there was more than that…so much more. I wanted so badly to continue to explore it and figure out where it was going. This was all new to me. Of course I’d had girlfriends before…but none of them had affected me the way that Alexa does. How am I supposed to just walk away from that?

  “I never wanted to hurt her.”

  “I doubt that was your intention…but she’s hurting nonetheless. So now you need to man up and do something about it.”

  “And you think that walking away from her now is not going to hurt her?” I failed to see how just walking away when she was still going through all of this crap was manning up.

  “Not as badly as it would hurt her on down the road. People get into relationships and let themselves believe that it’s going to be forever. They throw themselves into it 100% and then when it doesn’t work out…they feel like they’ve lost everything. After what she’s been through, I don’t know if she could handle that. It would be devastating.”

  I wondered what made him think it wasn’t going to work out. I had been taking this thing with Alexa as it came a day at a time. I hadn’t considered much farther into the future than that. Was I ready to commit to forever? No. I wanted her; I knew that as much as I knew I’d be taking my next breath. Did I want her forever? Was she going to want me forever? I couldn’t answer that question, and maybe that was what he was talking about.

  “So you think I should just not contact her anymore? I shouldn’t at least talk to her about this and see what it is that she wants?”

  “I think not contacting her would be best. She’s confused, Ian. She’s hurting and she doesn’t know what she wants. If you walk away now, before she gets too attached, her feelings will be hurt, but at least her heart won’t be broken.”

  I felt numb. I wished he was wrong but what if he wasn’t? I had already hurt her quite a bit in the short time we’d been together. I was, by history, a screw up. What made me think it would be any different from here on out? Was it okay for me to risk hurting her because of what I wanted? Not if I really cared about her…and I did…I do.

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Okay? You’ll leave her alone?”

  He sounded surprised. Maybe I had given in too easily. Fuck, I have no idea.

  “Yeah, I’ll leave her alone. I don’t want to hurt her.”

  “Thank you, Ian.” He looked relieved and I realized that he knew I really had the power here to refuse. Did it make me less of a man for not refusing him, or more? I had no fucking clue, but lately, that was a permanent state of mind for me.

  I went home, feeling like a bigger piece of crap than I had before. I lost my sister and now I felt like I’d lost my best friend. I wanted to hit something. I paced around the apartment for a while like a caged animal and finally went to the gym.

  I went straight for the bag. I wanted to just wail on it, I was so frustrated. But I knew that I had to find some control somewhere, so I just ran it like a regular circuit workout. I started with my right leg, doing low kicks for five reps. When I worked out on the bag, I’d gotten good at using my imagination to picture my opponent and where my kicks and punches would be landing on a live person. Today, I pictured Kristie. I would never, ever hit her…but it was cathartic to think about it.

  I kicked the lower half of the bag, picturing her legs…those long, overly tanned legs. I did a pivot on my support foot and turned my hip as I delivered the kick. Maximum power. Then I switched legs and did another five before switching to high-kick. I kicked the top of the bag…aiming for her overly made-up face. I did five of those on each leg and by that time I was starting to sweat. I tried to visualize the stress leaving my body with the sweat.

  I let myself really start punching then. I started with twenty straight punches, alternating hands. I guess I’m not a complete asshole because even though I tried to visualize Kristie’s head snapping back as I threw the punch, I couldn’t do it. I replaced it with a visual of the guy I’d be fighting for the championship, Gilbert “Gil” Morris. I didn’t have any problem picturing his head bobbing with the impact of my fist.

  I switched to a left hook and did twenty of those too and then did it all again with a right hook. I finished up with a knee strike…I did five of those on each leg.

  Before I left the gym I showered, and on the way home I got something to eat. By the time I got back to my apartment, I was feeling a little better. I walked in and dropped my bag and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening vegging out in front of the television, watching mindless sitcoms.

  I was getting ready to call it a night when I heard my text message tone. I realized then that I had left the phone in my gym bag. I hadn’t even missed it. I went and fished it out and when I saw the text was from Alexa, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. This was the moment of truth. Was I going to keep the promise I made to her dad? Did I want to? The answer to the second question was no. I didn’t want to. I wanted to reach out to her. I ached for it. But I’d made a promise and with good reason. I didn’t want to hurt her. She did deserve better than that. With a “Fuck!” out loud to the empty room, I turned the phone off, tossed it back in the bag and went to bed.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  ALEXA

  After I pulled myself together, I ended up having a good time at the mall. Everything continued to remind me of Emma, but I tried to approach all those thoughts from the point of view of good memories. I allowed myself to smile when I remembered how she had once walked through the electronic toy section at the toy store and pushed a button on each toy so by the time we left the aisle it was a cacophony of noise. I got an iced coffee at the place where she used to buy an entire bag of chocolate covered coffee beans and eat until she got a “buzz,” she used to say. I tried on bathing suits and remembered being here with her last year before we left for college doing the same thing. I choked up over that one a little bit, but I fought through it. I was hopeful when I left there that one day all of my memories of her would bring a smile to my face instead of a pain to my heart.

  The time alone was good for me; Dad had been right about that. I ended up buying a few things, but I didn’t break the bank and I had an epiphany on the way home. I’d spent my day thinking about Emma mostly, but occasionally I’d let Ian slip in there. I realized when he did that I completely believed him when he told me that nothing happened between him and his ex. I believed him right away. I didn’t doubt him at all. I had to examine why that was and the decision I came up with was that it was because I trusted him. I trust him. I have fun with him. I can talk to him. I’m crazy attracted to him. So why was I torturing myself? Maybe I was becoming addicted to the drama. I needed to get past that crap that was for sure. I knew what I wanted and I needed to just go for it. I wanted to be with him, more than anything.

  When I got home I found Dad in the back yard, mowing the lawn. I poured him a glass of iced tea and took it out to him.

  “Thank you. So, how was it?” he asked.

  “It was good. Really good. Thank you for suggesting it.” I handed him the AMEX card and said, “I only bought a couple things and I had enough so I didn’t use the card. But thanks Dad, for everything.” I hugged him.
He smelled like fresh-cut lawn and Dad. I thought about telling him that I’d also decided to keep seeing Ian…but I thought maybe I should talk to Ian first and he and I could decide together where we were at and where we wanted to let this thing go. That way when Dad started asking questions, I would have answers. Besides, I got the feeling it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Before I went to bed I sent Ian a text that said, “I’d like to see you. Can we talk?”

  I left it at that and went to sleep. I slept a lot better than I had the night before. The first thing I did after I once again shook off the horror that was beginning to be the morning norm for me, was reach for the phone. I was literally stunned when I saw that he’d never responded. That was strange. I didn’t let myself panic over it though, remembering my promise to stop living in the drama. I just sent him another one that said,

  “Hey! Did you get my text?”

  I got up after that and went about my morning routine. I refused to even carry the phone around with me. I trusted that he would text back. I took my shower and then I stayed busy for the next couple of hours doing laundry and cleaning up around the house. My dad had gone to visit his friend, so I had the house to myself. I turned up the music and while I cleaned I thought about what I would say when I saw Ian. I was going to tell him that we needed to just start fresh and be honest about everything. I really wanted it to work with him, and I thought that he did too. I think we have both been so afraid that the other was only in this for the short term while the grief passed that we were afraid to be completely honest about how we were feeling…at least I had. I was hoping he felt the same.

  After I finished the housework I let myself check my phone again. There were two text messages. One from my dad that said, “Hey Princess. Just checking in. You doing okay today?”

  I texted back: “I’m good, Dad. Don’t worry. Have fun.”

  The other message was from a girl from school named Heather. Heather said,